The Name of the Dame
One custom in our society that I've always found very strange is that of women changing their surnames when they get married. Especially now, when women do not have to be dependent upon men for their very survival, this custom seems especially odd and anachronistic.
The notion of a woman assuming my last name has always made me feel uncomfortable. It seems like a codependent thing to do and it's too much of an enmeshment for my taste, particularly when they use the "Mrs John Doe" form, which is just plain creepy in my book. "Mrs John Doe" seems to have no life or identity of her own, apart from that of her husband; the ultimate codependent.
I've heard women say that they are "proud" to take their husband's name; that it proves their love for him. Using this logic, then, married men apparently do not love their wives, because they don't take her name. At any rate, this symbolically gets the marriage off to a lopsided start.
Other women say they love the idea of everyone in the family having the same name; that this unites them all. Maybe so, but this shouldn't come at the expense of one person having to give up their own name. I know I surely wouldn't want to make that sacrifice. We must also consider that it's not an uncommon thing today for children to have a different last name from their mother when she remarries after a divorce or widowhood, and no one seems to have a problem with family members having different surnames then.
As for myself, the thought of giving up my surname is tantamount to saying that I don't matter, my life history doesn't matter, my family doesn't matter, and my heritage doesn't matter. I don't see why it should be any different for women.
If I were the marrying type, my love for the woman would make it so that I couldn't in all conscience expect her to do something that I would not do; that I'd find repugnant to do.
Thoughts?
Comments
I have an online acquaintance who did something interesting when she got married; she and her husband combined their last names and came up with a new one that they both took!
Also very creepy is women who keep their ex-husband's name after they divorce him. That always scared me. At some point the hyphenated name became popular and sometimes extremely annoying in my mind, but it's a good compromise.
I actually have heard of men taking women's names. Then again I know an inordinate number of men who call themselves feminists.
The vast majority of women I know who change their name do so for much more mundane reasons: it's because they've always hated their last names or even not felt connected to their families and they look forward to having that shiny, brand-new name.
I totally agree though that there is absolutely some oppression / sexism in all this at times.
I think this is common and it's not to me a bad reason to change names. Although we should take our ancestry seriously I don't see any reason to keep a name we don't feel connected to. I wound up with my sister's dad's (not my dad's) last name so I changed my last name to match my grandma's. It was one of the best things I ever did. ;)
Great post!!
first BS about kids having the last name. Bottom line, as you point out, with the skyrocketing divorce and remarriage rates, this is probably far more common than not.
Frankly, it simply never occured to doug or I that I WOULD change my name - I mean it is not something we even DISCUSSED - while as a feminist I see the dichtomy in that ultimately, as my father's daughter from that generation - I STILL bear the name of a male - at least until I die, my name is the one I began life with. In quebec, women legally retain their maiden names - quebec is far from stupid and do it purely for prosaic and practical reasons.... so the taxman can followeth ...
As far our kids were concerned - we talked about it and compromised in that as he conceded to my desire to bring the kids up catholic (he was and is an atheist and of course his viewpoints were clearly expressed and aired in the house!) I agreed the kids would have his last name.
My own personal hate is hypthenated names ... I`m waiting for this generation when TWO hypthenated partners decide to marry ....
apart from anything else, I find it wishy washy - as if trying to compromise but in a wimpy, can`t make a decision, take a stand, way!
Even my sister - she kept her name but they hypthenated the kids`- still don`t agree with it - take a stand!
And incidentally, I have NEVER had an issue with insurance, anything legal, etc - becuase it quite simply is unlikey - if you`ve followed up with appropraite paperwork! But then this is Canada and we are a little more enlightened I think, in this area, than the United States!
In canada the paperwork dealing with health care and insurance would be easier and less likely to cause issues because you have a completely linked network something Obama wants to do in the US and has been possible for years but for now our system isnt linked so paperwork does not go as smooth as it would in a linked system. It has nothing to do with enlightenment and everything to do with our soon to be past piss poor administrations self serving priorities.
actually, FAR more men than women I know hve issues with the whole "what to do" thing - and in MOST cases where I have friends who took their husband's name it was because their potential husbands were the ones who felt "threatened" by their NOT taking.
Ultimately, gloss it over or not - pretend it is not an issue, but bottom line, it IS and remains a form of misogny.
As for the people you know, maybe they should of found better potential husbands, maybe potentials without ego problems.
In the end, to each his own, you have a good day.
well, we'll have to agree to disagree Indiana - and frankly, I seriously doubt anyone you know would have any different reactions as I know a fairly eclectic group of people!
and yes, ultimately the whole practice began when women were property and passed on from one male to another - that isn't radical feminism, that is just plain fact!
you have a graet day too.